So the jig is up (again, again) and here I am pounding away on the keyboard desperately trying to find an outlet, a purpose, and a meaningful and productive way to fix me. Anything but AA. At least, for now. I need to find peace and God and talk to Jesus and pray to Mother Mary. And exercise and sleep more and find my Zen, whatever that means. I need to stop drinking. And I’ve officially been told that. Big surprise. [insert sarcasm]
I prefer not to rehash last night’s argument with the husband, but let’s just say it got nasty. I got nasty. And I don’t mean in the fun way. My heart felt what I was saying and I am genuinely fed up with so many personal, parenting, and relationship failures on both our parts, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take us anymore. I can’t take me anymore. But my words were way too harsh. Way harsh. Not that the husband was exactly fair, either. But neither of us fight fair and my falling apart is one of the many variables contributing to us falling apart. Words like separation and the Big D were actually spoken.
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sick of excuses, and I’m really, really tired of both hearing and saying “I’m sorry.” So I’m implementing a new rule in our house. No one is allowed to say “I’m sorry.” The one exception to this rule is if someone actually hurts someone or something and is genuinely sorry for any physical pain or permanent damage ensued. But emotionally? Actions speak louder than words, and we must carry through our intentions through action and actually ‘do better.’
I’m pointing to myself, hoping others in our home will follow my lead. I had a conversation with a friend recently, and she shared one of her brilliant parenting philosophies and tactics for keeping a happy home: That the wife and mother, being the matriarch of the home, sets the tone for the entire household. (If that’s the case, then it’s no wonder I’m in this mess right now. Because I’m a mess.) We reminisced and shared stories of our beloved grandparents’ and how their generation actually honored each other and put each other first. I love that, but here’s my takeaway: I think for now I will put myself first, so that I can give my best self to everyone else around me that absolutely deserves it. And maybe then, we will start to see improvement.
The husband and I both have a lot to work on, individually and together. We both admit that. But I’ve read enough self help books (so far!) to understand that only I am responsible for myself and the way I handle situations. It is not easy for me to be tolerant or patient – even with the people I love most – and God knows I don’t use the right tools from my toolbox right now to handle tough situations.
I have a ginormous mountain to climb and a lot of baby steps to take, figuratively and literally speaking. But climb it I will, so I can see the beautiful view from the top.