It’s 9:30pm – almost 24 hours since I crushed my last bottle of wine and had the last sip. Tonight was not easy, especially between 5-8pm when the kiddos were all home and wound up. At one point, every one of them was whining or crying simultaneously. That’s when I normally reach for the glass. But tonight, instead, I reached out for help. My husband was home from work early enough, and he had no problem pitching in to give me a break. He took over homework and bath duty, and entertained them long enough for me to take a hot bubble bath and start a new book called I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough.’ It’s about addressing women’s hidden shame and the never-ending quest for perfection. It wasn’t what I was looking for at the bookstore, but it’s what I wound up leaving with since it really caught my attention. I’ve got a stack of self-help books to work through. Baby steps.
The bath water I drew was hot – way too hot! I had to inch my way in ever so slowly to adjust to the hot-tub-like temperature. It stung a little. I finally managed to get mostly-in, then took in a deep breath and held it before allowing myself to fully sink myself in and exhhhale. I did it! And it was worth it now that I was in a comfortable, quiet place and could take a few minutes to relax and read.
I imagine this is much like ‘recovery.’ It’s a struggle to get into and even hurts at first. Sometimes it’ll sting pretty badly. But in the end, it’s worth it (I hope). I quoted ‘recovery’ this way because I’m not even sure what this process is for me yet. I don’t feel like I am, or should be, someone who requires recovery, or may actually be ‘in it’. I feel like a normal, intelligent, competent, (mostly-) functioning adult who slips up now and then (or should I say, “sips up?”). I think I would prefer to think of this as my learning and healing journey, since it’s so much more than simply not having a drink.
So, now that it’s been just about 24 hours, does this mean I’ve almost completed Day 1 (again)? Cheers for getting myself into the right kind of hot water tonight (the bubble bath!) instead of the wrong kind of trouble.
Tonight, I’m praying for strength and clarity (and a good night’s sleep). And I’m so grateful for my beautiful babies who have blessed me beyond measure. They deserve the best of me, come hell or hot water!